Husband Won't Wait

Let's get real: guys like to have sex. Why should I wait to have sex when I know my husband isn't waiting for me?

It sounds like you've had some bad relationships with guys. Whether they were just friends or boyfriends, they've convinced you that no guys will wait for their bride. I apologize for their behavior, because they are not real men. Real men know that their bride is worth waiting for. And real men know they are worth the wait too. Let's take a look at your question.

You are judging a person you haven't even met. Assuming that "no guy will wait" is as silly as me assuming my wife will be addicted to shopping. Just because some girls shop all the time does not mean all girls will do the same. I won't deny that males do like sex, but I also won't deny the thousands of men I have met that are waiting for marriage.

Don't sabotage your future marriage. What happens when you meet prince charming, and you have to explain to him that you had sex with every boyfriend because you figured he'd be screwing around. Oops, my bad. Or even worse, what happens when you miss the one because you are in bed with some other guy?

Remember, love is not a game. Don't assume that because he could be fooling around, that gives you permission to fool around. You are in a losing battle with someone who's not even playing your game. Chastity is a not what you "don't do," it's understanding that sexuality is a precious gift. It's not how many times you can give it away then take it back, or see how far you can unwrap it and not give it away.

Give love a chance. Live a life that proves that love is possible. Make decisions that will bring you closer to your husband and him closer to you. I promise you, it's worth the wait!


-Matt

Boyfriend Using Porn?

I've been dating this new guy for a few weeks. He came over my house last night, and I caught him looking at porn on my computer. I was shocked, but laughed it off and pulled him into the living room. We didn't talk about it. What do I do?

Porn 101: Girls do not understand the temptation of pornography for guys. It's a real temptation males deal with all the time: dads at work, teachers at school, and teenagers at home. ALL guys have that temptation, but many men decide everyday to stay away from the trash. That's why I refuse to get Internet access at my house, because I know pornography effects/changes how I see the world, especially my girlfriend.


How pornography effects a relationship, physically and sexually:

• He'll get physical with you and imagine he's with the girls he sees in porn. If you two do have sex, then he's not making love with you, he's masturbating with your body.


• If you do have sex, he'll have unrealistic expectations of what you'll do. The girls in porn movies do whatever whenever, and have no sexual expectations of their own.


• You will never be able to compete with the porn girls. Most of them have been cut up and sewed to unrealistic proportions. In his eyes, there is "dreamland" on the computer and "she will have to do" sitting next to him. There will always be tension between because
  of this.


• I could make a whole website about pornography's
  affect on women. Actually, I did: http://www.porndestroyswomen.org/

How pornography affects a relationship, emotionally:

Pornography has an irrefutable effect on male interaction with females. A male user of pornography will be more:

• Impatient
  
• Demanding
  
• Impulsive
  
• Emotionally distant
  
• Callous towards females
  
• Numb to violence
  

You can see that dating a guy who uses porn is difficult and unhappy. But let's take a closer look at your specific situation: he looked at porn at your house. He is trapped in sexual addiction and is testing his boundaries. He's a new boyfriend, and he wants to see how you will react. You said nothing, so that gives him permission to do it again. This is the first step in a long nightmare.

Take a stand and get out of the relationship because it is best for you.

But what about him? Tell him why you don't want to go out anymore. It's going to take some courage, but you must do it if you are going to help him. Otherwise, you are just passing him off to be some other girl's problem. Here are some good lines to open his eyes to what's really going on:

• "I want a guy to date me, not me and hundreds of naked women."


• "While you look at porn, I'll be at football practice watching the team take showers. I'll see how you size up."


• "Good, you use porn too. This way we don't have the trouble of being in a relationship. I'll stay at my house with my computer, you stay at your house with yours. I'll see you at school tomorrow."


• "Maybe one day we can do a threesome. Your friends are pretty cute, invited one of them to join us."
  

Sharing a Bed?

My boyfriend and I decided not to have sex, but we do want to start sleeping together. Not sleeping together but sharing a bed at night. There is a group of us going camping and we plan on sharing a tent.

I've been there. My freshman year of college, I was best friends with my girlfriend. I was determined to save my virginity, and it wasn't easy. Saturday mornings we went to volunteer at a homeless shelter not far from my dorm. Instead of her getting up at dawn and taking the subway to downtown, she'd come over Friday night and stay the night. She'd sleep in my bed and I'd sleep on the couch.

I was tired of sleeping alone, and I knew I figured it'd be harmless to sleep next to her that Friday. Then I ran into a guy who was next door. Out of nowhere he asked: "do you two sleep together?" That's when I finally got it. There is a reason why "sleeping together" means having sex-because one leads to the other. Why?

1. It's a lot easier to fool around when you are horizontal. Not many people lose their virginity standing up.
2. It's dark, and you are under the covers. You've got two layers of "no one will know" that numbs your conscience.
3. One thing leads to the next…and you wake up the next morning thinking, "That wasn't supposed to happen."
   

Don't get me wrong, sleeping together is not bad. Sharing the covers, laughing to sleep, waking up in each other's arms. …woo hoo I can't wait for it! But, I don't want to cheapen such a wonderful and perfect place just because I can get away with it. That's the wrong attitude because you get hurt in the end. I don't want to say to my bride, "well baby, I've been looking forward to this ever since I slept here with the last girl."

When I was on the Real World in New Orleans, I woke up and a girl who was a friend was slipping into the cover with me. I wanted to hold her and go back to sleep and enjoy the moment. But, I knew that the cameras would be there in the morning ready to broadcast it to millions of people. So I slid out from bed and slept on the floor.

Now that I look back, it was not the cameras or the MTV watchers that mattered, but my bride. That's one experience I don't have to explain to her. I am so proud of that night. If I would've slept with her, I would carry that negative experience right to my wedding night.

Summary: Sleeping together won't guarantee you'll have sex, but it increases the chances of losing your purity. Sleeping together is an intimate experience, and you want to have clean memories so you can share that intimate experience only with you spouse.


-Matt

Good for my husband?

A lot of my girlfriends want to be "good" for their future husband. Everyone says that having sex with a virgin is a disaster and they don't want to go through that embarrassment with their husband.

Right now, your future husband is hanging out with his friends, talking about what they dream for in a woman. After everyone else has made their list, your future hubby adds, "don't forget the most important thing: she should have sex with the whole football team so she'll be good for me."

I don't need to say anymore about that.

True, sex does get better with time. It's like two people playing music together. It might not be perfect at first, but it gets better every time. That's part of the fun of marriage: you have years of lovemaking. Give those nights of goodness to your husband, not the football team. He'll thank you for it.


-Matt

Dressed to Impress?

It's so judgmental to assume I am a easy because I dress sexy. I dress how I want. Just because I CAN dress hot and they can't, why should I stop?

If you dress like a whore, then people will think you are a whore. You can call me judgmental, but I am telling you the truth. Your character cannot defy how you dress. How you dress defines who you are. Why?

Girls and guys think differently. I once heard that, "Men fall in love with their eyes, women fall in love with their ears." Males are visual, just ask a teacher. A teacher can lecture forever, but if you want the males to learn, you need to stimulate them visually: charts, drawings, puzzles, etc. When you accept that you send a message with your clothes, consider who responds to your message.

The bait you use determines what kind of fish you catch. If you want a guy who just wants to take off your clothes, then save him time and don't put as much on. If you want a guy who'll appreciate you for more than just your naked body parts, then you've got to change how you dress. Put on more modest clothes and leave something to the imagination.

Don't mistake your ability to inspire lust with empowerment and love. There's something deeper going on that you need to think about. You can have half of the guys at your school falling over to get you, but that doesn't mean they'll love you. You are beautiful and you don't have to undress to prove that to anyone. God created you beautiful and He loves you. You are precious.

"They certainly would blush if they could guess the impression they make and the feelings they evoke in those who see them." Pope Pius XII, 1954

-Matt

No Sex, No Boyfriend. What's the deal?

My boyfriend told me that if I don't sleep with him, he'll find someone who loves him enough to try to make him happy. What do I do?

He's right: you should love someone enough to make them happy. That is exactly why he should guard your heart and purity, not pressure you to have sex. He doesn't understand what love is.

Love is selfless, not selfish. A relationship is like an empty box. Both people have to put in more than they take out. You can't just put in and so he can take out. The very person you expect to love you leaves you naked and used, both sexually and emotionally.

But let's say you do have sex with him. What happens next?

Statistically, couples break up less than 30 days after having sex. You can explain that statistic in many ways, but know that a guy loses respect for a girl who gives in to every whim. She starts to feel "easy." The adventure is over and he goes off to find another one.

Some guys will stay with a girl if she has sex with him. But think about the problem you are getting into. It's not enough that you gave your virginity to him, but you have to keep offering your body just to keep him. It's an endless nightmare.

You are so wonderful and worthy of being loved. God made you this way. You need to break off this relationship and explain to him why. He's not a bad guy, he just doesn't understand what love is. If you don't tell him, who will? It won't be the girl who gives in.

Guys are Players, Girls are Sluts?

I'm listening to a song by Christina Aguilara and Missy Elliot. They ask why is it that a guy can sleep with five girls and he's a player, but a girl sleeps with five guys and she's a slut. I never thought about it that way, but I am sick of the double standard. Why is it guys have all the fun?

So let's fix the double standard. I see that we have two options:

1. Stop calling girls "sluts" and start calling them "players." This won't change a thing. Whore guys don't care what you call it-slut, whore, player, empowered-it means the same thing to them: they can get in your pants. "Player" will start meaning "slut" or "whore." Guys will stop calling themselves "players" and invent a new name to glorify their promiscuity. The solution isn't in changing the name.

Let's say girls can sleep around with pride and so the guys won't "have all the fun." Now girls will compete with guys to see who can sleep around the most. It's one nasty orgy where no one is loved or cherished. People become objects in a game of death.

It will never become universally acceptable for a girl to be a whore. Who wants their mom to sleep around? Because remember, almost every girl will become a mother. You want a mother who is loving, selfless, and GOOD. God gives females the gift of morality so that the next generation will have good mothers so the world doesn't fall apart. Does this mean all guys will get around? What about them?

2. Start expecting more of guys. You may not be able to change the world, but you can make it better, one guy at a time. Instead of putting out to any guy who'll hold your hand, set your standards high. Make the decision to wait to make love on your wedding night. Let people know and be proud of it. Some people will make fun of you, but then again people make fun of girls who get around too. But many people will be intrigued with your decision. No one has more power than a girl living chastity.

-Matt