Husband Won't Wait

Let's get real: guys like to have sex. Why should I wait to have sex when I know my husband isn't waiting for me?

It sounds like you've had some bad relationships with guys. Whether they were just friends or boyfriends, they've convinced you that no guys will wait for their bride. I apologize for their behavior, because they are not real men. Real men know that their bride is worth waiting for. And real men know they are worth the wait too. Let's take a look at your question.

You are judging a person you haven't even met. Assuming that "no guy will wait" is as silly as me assuming my wife will be addicted to shopping. Just because some girls shop all the time does not mean all girls will do the same. I won't deny that males do like sex, but I also won't deny the thousands of men I have met that are waiting for marriage.

Don't sabotage your future marriage. What happens when you meet prince charming, and you have to explain to him that you had sex with every boyfriend because you figured he'd be screwing around. Oops, my bad. Or even worse, what happens when you miss the one because you are in bed with some other guy?

Remember, love is not a game. Don't assume that because he could be fooling around, that gives you permission to fool around. You are in a losing battle with someone who's not even playing your game. Chastity is a not what you "don't do," it's understanding that sexuality is a precious gift. It's not how many times you can give it away then take it back, or see how far you can unwrap it and not give it away.

Give love a chance. Live a life that proves that love is possible. Make decisions that will bring you closer to your husband and him closer to you. I promise you, it's worth the wait!


-Matt

Boyfriend Using Porn?

I've been dating this new guy for a few weeks. He came over my house last night, and I caught him looking at porn on my computer. I was shocked, but laughed it off and pulled him into the living room. We didn't talk about it. What do I do?

Porn 101: Girls do not understand the temptation of pornography for guys. It's a real temptation males deal with all the time: dads at work, teachers at school, and teenagers at home. ALL guys have that temptation, but many men decide everyday to stay away from the trash. That's why I refuse to get Internet access at my house, because I know pornography effects/changes how I see the world, especially my girlfriend.


How pornography effects a relationship, physically and sexually:

• He'll get physical with you and imagine he's with the girls he sees in porn. If you two do have sex, then he's not making love with you, he's masturbating with your body.


• If you do have sex, he'll have unrealistic expectations of what you'll do. The girls in porn movies do whatever whenever, and have no sexual expectations of their own.


• You will never be able to compete with the porn girls. Most of them have been cut up and sewed to unrealistic proportions. In his eyes, there is "dreamland" on the computer and "she will have to do" sitting next to him. There will always be tension between because
  of this.


• I could make a whole website about pornography's
  affect on women. Actually, I did: http://www.porndestroyswomen.org/

How pornography affects a relationship, emotionally:

Pornography has an irrefutable effect on male interaction with females. A male user of pornography will be more:

• Impatient
  
• Demanding
  
• Impulsive
  
• Emotionally distant
  
• Callous towards females
  
• Numb to violence
  

You can see that dating a guy who uses porn is difficult and unhappy. But let's take a closer look at your specific situation: he looked at porn at your house. He is trapped in sexual addiction and is testing his boundaries. He's a new boyfriend, and he wants to see how you will react. You said nothing, so that gives him permission to do it again. This is the first step in a long nightmare.

Take a stand and get out of the relationship because it is best for you.

But what about him? Tell him why you don't want to go out anymore. It's going to take some courage, but you must do it if you are going to help him. Otherwise, you are just passing him off to be some other girl's problem. Here are some good lines to open his eyes to what's really going on:

• "I want a guy to date me, not me and hundreds of naked women."


• "While you look at porn, I'll be at football practice watching the team take showers. I'll see how you size up."


• "Good, you use porn too. This way we don't have the trouble of being in a relationship. I'll stay at my house with my computer, you stay at your house with yours. I'll see you at school tomorrow."


• "Maybe one day we can do a threesome. Your friends are pretty cute, invited one of them to join us."
  

Sharing a Bed?

My boyfriend and I decided not to have sex, but we do want to start sleeping together. Not sleeping together but sharing a bed at night. There is a group of us going camping and we plan on sharing a tent.

I've been there. My freshman year of college, I was best friends with my girlfriend. I was determined to save my virginity, and it wasn't easy. Saturday mornings we went to volunteer at a homeless shelter not far from my dorm. Instead of her getting up at dawn and taking the subway to downtown, she'd come over Friday night and stay the night. She'd sleep in my bed and I'd sleep on the couch.

I was tired of sleeping alone, and I knew I figured it'd be harmless to sleep next to her that Friday. Then I ran into a guy who was next door. Out of nowhere he asked: "do you two sleep together?" That's when I finally got it. There is a reason why "sleeping together" means having sex-because one leads to the other. Why?

1. It's a lot easier to fool around when you are horizontal. Not many people lose their virginity standing up.
2. It's dark, and you are under the covers. You've got two layers of "no one will know" that numbs your conscience.
3. One thing leads to the next…and you wake up the next morning thinking, "That wasn't supposed to happen."
   

Don't get me wrong, sleeping together is not bad. Sharing the covers, laughing to sleep, waking up in each other's arms. …woo hoo I can't wait for it! But, I don't want to cheapen such a wonderful and perfect place just because I can get away with it. That's the wrong attitude because you get hurt in the end. I don't want to say to my bride, "well baby, I've been looking forward to this ever since I slept here with the last girl."

When I was on the Real World in New Orleans, I woke up and a girl who was a friend was slipping into the cover with me. I wanted to hold her and go back to sleep and enjoy the moment. But, I knew that the cameras would be there in the morning ready to broadcast it to millions of people. So I slid out from bed and slept on the floor.

Now that I look back, it was not the cameras or the MTV watchers that mattered, but my bride. That's one experience I don't have to explain to her. I am so proud of that night. If I would've slept with her, I would carry that negative experience right to my wedding night.

Summary: Sleeping together won't guarantee you'll have sex, but it increases the chances of losing your purity. Sleeping together is an intimate experience, and you want to have clean memories so you can share that intimate experience only with you spouse.


-Matt

Good for my husband?

A lot of my girlfriends want to be "good" for their future husband. Everyone says that having sex with a virgin is a disaster and they don't want to go through that embarrassment with their husband.

Right now, your future husband is hanging out with his friends, talking about what they dream for in a woman. After everyone else has made their list, your future hubby adds, "don't forget the most important thing: she should have sex with the whole football team so she'll be good for me."

I don't need to say anymore about that.

True, sex does get better with time. It's like two people playing music together. It might not be perfect at first, but it gets better every time. That's part of the fun of marriage: you have years of lovemaking. Give those nights of goodness to your husband, not the football team. He'll thank you for it.


-Matt

Dressed to Impress?

It's so judgmental to assume I am a easy because I dress sexy. I dress how I want. Just because I CAN dress hot and they can't, why should I stop?

If you dress like a whore, then people will think you are a whore. You can call me judgmental, but I am telling you the truth. Your character cannot defy how you dress. How you dress defines who you are. Why?

Girls and guys think differently. I once heard that, "Men fall in love with their eyes, women fall in love with their ears." Males are visual, just ask a teacher. A teacher can lecture forever, but if you want the males to learn, you need to stimulate them visually: charts, drawings, puzzles, etc. When you accept that you send a message with your clothes, consider who responds to your message.

The bait you use determines what kind of fish you catch. If you want a guy who just wants to take off your clothes, then save him time and don't put as much on. If you want a guy who'll appreciate you for more than just your naked body parts, then you've got to change how you dress. Put on more modest clothes and leave something to the imagination.

Don't mistake your ability to inspire lust with empowerment and love. There's something deeper going on that you need to think about. You can have half of the guys at your school falling over to get you, but that doesn't mean they'll love you. You are beautiful and you don't have to undress to prove that to anyone. God created you beautiful and He loves you. You are precious.

"They certainly would blush if they could guess the impression they make and the feelings they evoke in those who see them." Pope Pius XII, 1954

-Matt

No Sex, No Boyfriend. What's the deal?

My boyfriend told me that if I don't sleep with him, he'll find someone who loves him enough to try to make him happy. What do I do?

He's right: you should love someone enough to make them happy. That is exactly why he should guard your heart and purity, not pressure you to have sex. He doesn't understand what love is.

Love is selfless, not selfish. A relationship is like an empty box. Both people have to put in more than they take out. You can't just put in and so he can take out. The very person you expect to love you leaves you naked and used, both sexually and emotionally.

But let's say you do have sex with him. What happens next?

Statistically, couples break up less than 30 days after having sex. You can explain that statistic in many ways, but know that a guy loses respect for a girl who gives in to every whim. She starts to feel "easy." The adventure is over and he goes off to find another one.

Some guys will stay with a girl if she has sex with him. But think about the problem you are getting into. It's not enough that you gave your virginity to him, but you have to keep offering your body just to keep him. It's an endless nightmare.

You are so wonderful and worthy of being loved. God made you this way. You need to break off this relationship and explain to him why. He's not a bad guy, he just doesn't understand what love is. If you don't tell him, who will? It won't be the girl who gives in.

Guys are Players, Girls are Sluts?

I'm listening to a song by Christina Aguilara and Missy Elliot. They ask why is it that a guy can sleep with five girls and he's a player, but a girl sleeps with five guys and she's a slut. I never thought about it that way, but I am sick of the double standard. Why is it guys have all the fun?

So let's fix the double standard. I see that we have two options:

1. Stop calling girls "sluts" and start calling them "players." This won't change a thing. Whore guys don't care what you call it-slut, whore, player, empowered-it means the same thing to them: they can get in your pants. "Player" will start meaning "slut" or "whore." Guys will stop calling themselves "players" and invent a new name to glorify their promiscuity. The solution isn't in changing the name.

Let's say girls can sleep around with pride and so the guys won't "have all the fun." Now girls will compete with guys to see who can sleep around the most. It's one nasty orgy where no one is loved or cherished. People become objects in a game of death.

It will never become universally acceptable for a girl to be a whore. Who wants their mom to sleep around? Because remember, almost every girl will become a mother. You want a mother who is loving, selfless, and GOOD. God gives females the gift of morality so that the next generation will have good mothers so the world doesn't fall apart. Does this mean all guys will get around? What about them?

2. Start expecting more of guys. You may not be able to change the world, but you can make it better, one guy at a time. Instead of putting out to any guy who'll hold your hand, set your standards high. Make the decision to wait to make love on your wedding night. Let people know and be proud of it. Some people will make fun of you, but then again people make fun of girls who get around too. But many people will be intrigued with your decision. No one has more power than a girl living chastity.

-Matt

Chastity Robs Spontaneity?

I understand that chastity is a safe way to live. But, doesn't chastity rob the spontaneity and romance of the moment?

Please, make the most of each moment, each day. But know that you face the consequences of your decisions. "Living for the moment" effects what happens the next moment, the moment after, etc. Practically, when you spontaneously get naked and have sex, you have do deal with the consequences: temporary pleasure, the fear of pregnancy or an STD, your parents finding out, carrying the baggage to the next relationship, etc. Spontaneity is not the absence of thinking.

The romance? Don't confuse "romance" for getting aroused then physical in pretty places. A girl can be seduced with what seems like romance. Every guy knows flowers make a girl happy. But, in order for there to be real romance, there must be real love. Real love is selfless and patient. Only then will the crackling fire and homemade meal have meaning.

Romance doesn't require getting physical. The most adventurous and creative couples know this. A few weeks ago, I was mad at my girlfriend because she wouldn't relax and kiss me. She had a long, hard day. I realized I was being selfish, so I reluctantly did what Jesus did-I washed her feet. I took all my energy and scrubbed her toes, then rubbed her arches and heals. By the time I was done, I had a change of heart. I kissed her toes and spent the rest of the night making the evening perfect for her. It was so romantic, and so much better than just getting my kiss fix.

-Matt

Blind Date?

My friend has found the perfect guy for me. I think a blind date would be fun. What should we do?

I have three blind dates I want to tell you about:

1. Bad: My friend in New York City met a girl he knew was perfect for me. We had the same morals, interests, and a lot more. She and I emailed a few times, and arranged to meet each other for breakfast. From the first few minutes together, it was apparent we would not get along. The date was miserable and embarrassing for both of us.
   
   
2. Better: My roommate Matt wanted me to meet a girl he thought I should date. We planned on her and her friend joining us guys for dinner at my apartment. The girls brought dinner and guys made desert. Over dinner, I realized this girl was great, but we didn't have any chemistry. Because there was four of us, we were able to still have fun. When I see her around, we have a happy memory.
   
   
3. Best: My roommate Matt wanted me to meet another girl. He and I went over her family's house for dinner with no expectation that we should date. I got to know her, and her family. I kept going over for dinner with no pressure or expectation. After two years of growing up together, we are now dating.
   

My advice? Go with your friend and make sure he comes with a guy friend. That way, there's no pressure and no disappointments. If you two do hit it off, you'll go out again.

-Matt

The Age Thing

I am a senior guy at a very small school where there are not many girls my age. Recently I met a freshman girl that I seem to connect with. In the past I haven't looked twice at any girl more than 2 years younger because I didn't want to have to deal with the "age thing." She is just coming into high school and I am just on my way out. Is it really ok for a senior guy to chase a freshmen girl, or does that just show poor social skills on my part?

I went to high school with 200 other kids. I know how discouraging it can be when there's no one you want to date. I want to elaborate on a few things you said, then give my advice. It might surprise you.

You know what's up with the senior-guy-freshman-girl-thing. As a guy, you know that other senior guys usually chase freshman for sex and cheap relationships. It doesn't sound like that's your intention, but understand if you do date, that will become an issue and effect your relationship with her. Now let's talk about her.

Most girls dream about dating an older guy. It's part of the high school fairy tale. So know she'll be pretty willing to date if you if you make it an option. But should you?

Do spend time with her. But don't date, as in go out then make out then freak out. Let her know you think she's cool and would like to spend more time with her, but let her know it's not dating. It could be sitting next to her at the game, or getting coffee after school. She'll be happy to have your attention. She will admire you, and you can spend that time to make a positive impression on her that will last forever.

If you two do click, then maybe there's a relationship in the future, as you both get older. If you don't click, then you'll have saved you both from a lot of trouble. Soon you'll be in college and you can look back and know you did the right thing.


-Matt

Lesbian Party Kisses?

I am a freshman and it's been cool because we are getting invited to some senior parties. The boys are cute and they are totally nice. But all my friends, I am talking about girls, are giving each other kisses at the parties. The guys go crazy and give them more attention. They are always daring us to kiss each other or dance on each other. I don't know.

There are two issues here: the guys, and the girls. First, let's talk about the guys.

Guys:
The Reality: Most porn that boys watch is between two women, and they are just trying to see the real thing right in front of them, instead of on their computer. They are used to getting what they want when they want from women who have no feelings or souls or needs. When they ask you to do this, they are treating you like you have no soul, no feelings, and no needs. This has to stop.

What to do about the Guys: Talk to the boys when they are pressuring your friends. This is hard, especially because they are older and rowdy. Don't say something like, "Hey don't you know that's bad!" But, be brave sassy, "No, little boy, I am not your toy." Or tell them, "No, it's your turn. Why don't you two make out so you can turn on the girls?" They should get the point.

Girls:
The Reality: This is a bigger issue then a "little kiss" at a party. It's setting the standard that women are objects and are for entertainment, and will do whatever a guy asks. These girls will never get the respect. They'll be used up and dumped faster than you can say "Monica Lewinski." Plus, you are encouraging guys to make a habit of objectifying women. It's not harmless fun.

What to do with the Girls: Stay away from the guys who treat you like an object and give your attention to guys who respect you. Talk to your friends. Think about it: do you want to go to your daughter's dance recital and run into other moms you've French kissed? Do you want to look out and think, "I made out with Sarah's mommy, Kayla's mommy, Taylor's mommy"? Talk about it and make a decision to not do it. Stick to it.


-Matt

No Cool Guys?

There are no cool guys at my school. I am an attractive, popular girl, and I still can't get a date. It seems like guys only care about sex. They are immature and…I don't know what else to say. I am frustrated. What do I do?

I am proud of you for seeing the guys at your school for what they are: immature and misguided. They should act less like boys and be more like men. The question is this: what are you doing about it?

Some girls make the situation worse. Out of fear of being unliked, unpopular, or unloved (usually all three), girls will lower their standards: dress like slut, act like a slut, and date a guy who's a slut. All of this will destroy you dignity and encourage the guys to keep being boys. Some girls make the situation better. This is what I challenge you to do. Here are three things you can do to make your school better.

1. Accept responsibility for making your life, your relationships, and your school a better place. This does not mean that everything will be perfect and people will applaud for you when you walk in the classroom. But if you don't believe you can make a difference, then you never will.
   
   
2. Making gentlemen. He will be as much of a gentlemen as you expect. This is true for one guy you date and all the guys in the halls. Expect more, and you'll get more. This is a unique power of women, a secret that most guys don't want girls to know. Do not tolerate guys making sexual jokes or them talking about porn. You don't have to become an angry policewoman, but take a kind and firm stand.
   
   
3. To date or not to date? Judging from your question, you're not interested in anyone. This is fine, you shouldn't lower your standards just to prove you can get a date. If you are confidently single, you'll empower other girls to not go out with guys "just because." If you find a good guy, be determined to make it a quality relationship. Others will notice that things are right.
   

Most of all, have hope! Your future husband could be reading this right now. Pray for him. Live in a way you want him to live. I've met over 100,000 teenagers all over the country. There are some cool guys out there that are worth waiting for.